What matters most.
As a person, I have never been at loss for words. If there is a discussion, chances are I would jump in. Being an opinionated person I find it very easy to speak my mind. Even if I get intimidated by someone or something, I would still have a comment for that. Unfortunately, this does not work every time. There are some situations when I do tend to be at loss for words.
Recently, my husband's grandma passed away. She was my mother-in-law's mother, and when we had to call her and talk to her, yeah...that's when words failed me!
Most of the readers here would have gone through the experience of losing a loved one. If not, well- consider yourself to be one of the most blessed persons on earth. As a kid, death was a complex concept that not only eluded me, it seemed to lead me to an unending spiral of queries I had that no one seemed to satisfy.
So I always dreaded going to a funeral. Because there, I was always at loss of words! After all, what would you say to your friend or relative who is going through not only the most sorrowful but also stressful time of their lives. I remember being quiet and using the same one-line phrases everyone used- I am so sorry for your loss ...but you have to understand they are in a better place right now...we must remember the time we spent together. Hang in there, everything will be alright.
The truth is that even I knew that these were hollow, halfhearted ,silence fillers that brought little or no comfort at all. I know this from my life-experience. Today happens to be the seventeenth anniversary of the day my father passed away. And as I sit and frame this write-up, every moment of that day gets replayed as if it were yesterday.
I remember coming home from school with my sister and being greeted by a sorrowful multitude of relatives who weren't able to tell us exactly what was going on. It was only when we entered the house we saw our mother who was crying uncontrollably next to my father's lifeless body. I was fifteen then and my sister was thirteen. For a moment everything ceased-everything!
It was like a movie going in the slowest motion possible, where everyone's voice around you fades and the surroundings blur. My mind and faculties froze for sometime and all my brain was telling me was ok...this has happened now. You need to understand that daddy is no more. Ok! Try and understand that daddy is gone!
I was so busy making sense of what I saw that I did not even cry. For all I knew, I was not even looking at my mom or sister. And relatives and family-friends from all around gathered. Someone trying to console me, another trying to make me sit down, someone was trying to give me a drink of water. The most amusing part of this memory was when someone mindlessly said and tried to wipe my face - Don't cry..he is at a better place now. To which I had to abruptly reply - I am not crying! That person was startled and moved away from me since she realized that not only her words but her actions were misplaced as well.
Remembering dad on his death anniversary got me thinking of so many things. There are so many memories I will always cherish till the very end. However, there is no manual handed down to anyone on how to cope with life when someone you love so dearly departs.
In all this, I had another observation. Readers here can let me know if I am right or not? Things did settle in days to come and recovery from such a blow was shockingly slow. There were so many people who consoled us all day. Some came in for a few minutes and sincerely paid their respects- I called them social friends.
Then there were these other set of people who came in and tried to strike a conversation with you. They would look at pictures and try to talk to you about how good your father was - I called them the check -in - the- box relatives who just aimlessly talk. and have done their part by showing up.
There is yet another group of people that strike me the most weird part of our family or circle.These are the ones that enter the house quite normally and in moments start wailing loudly in order to display their lamentation. I call them the silence-killers...Their act is genuinely phony and are extremely disrupting . Believe me, ever since I have seen them I keep my fair distance from them.
And then there is this small group of people, who keep watching you from afar. They may have tears in their eyes but they control themselves around you. They see what you need and get things ready. Despite the chaos around, they will ensure that everything around you runs smoothly. They quietly come in and check on you and then move out of your way to give you the space you desperately crave for. These are the near and dear ones. These maybe closest relatives and/or friends. Consider yourself blessed to have them around. I thank God for them and will be ever grateful to for their love and support.
Yeah- call it fact of life, inevitable or life-altering; you get to know who are your well- wishers and who are the ones who just speak and not care. That's the day I stopped sympathizing with people who have lost their loved ones.Because that is when I realized that no matter how good I am with words- all words even the most beautiful and well-crafted sentences prove to be useless and worthless. All consolations seem to be of no point and every minute we spend sympathizing, we just seem to be more distant.
This is when I also learnt that no one needs our sympathy, what matters most is our empathy. They want you to feel their pain and loss. Silence happens to be the best language one can use to express ones deepest regret. There is no substitute for time and we as friends or family must learn to sometimes let people grieve. Giving them space to deal with their loss is by far the best thing that you can provide and letting them know that you are there for them are the only words that they need to hear.
The rest- well the rest can be said later!
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