Don't divide and rule - Value your children equally !
We see this happening in many households where the parents keep favoring one child and neglect the other child little realising the emotional impact the neglected child is going to have for life! I know of households with 3 or more children where the mother has a favorite and the father has a favorite too and the other one, two or three children, as the case may be, are normally ignored. I find this very cruel for one so young. No wonder then that they grow up with a huge complex.
If you value your children equally you will certainly be fair and just, able to contain the inevitable emotional fallout that occurs when one child outshines the other. If and when, one of your child constantly outshines the others at school, in music, in sports and studies your other child/children may have difficulties adjusting to this pattern. No matter how much a child adores her or his high achieving sibling ( whether older or younger) and no matter how proud he or she is of her siblings achievements, one is bound to be emotionally effected by always ending up second, third or mid way ...
What Children think and Feel
I am giving below a list of personality deformities that can effect your child when it is at the receiving end from you as a partial or biased parent.
1, Resentment – This may lead to sibling rivalry, usually does! According to psychologists - Jealousy between the children in the same family is so common that feelings of resentment are regarded as normal, that is to a certain extent ! However, a parent can worsen the situation when one of the child’s achievements are lower than the other. It is better to play down the success or the failure and be balanced in your view rather than go overboard.
2, Low Esteem – This is the most damaging of all since it kills motivation and makes an individual to lose grip. Living in the shadows of a high achieving sibling can knock a child’s self confidence, more so when parents keep praising the achiever child all the time. The poor child begins to think that his or her own achievements are dismal in comparison and this reduces his/her feelings of self worth.
3, Poor Motivation – As I already pointed out earlier, after a while the child with the lower ability might stop trying hard to achieve. She or he could take the view that there is no point because he or she can never score as highly as her sibling. This would pull down the child’s performance even further.
4, Unhappiness and Distress – Living with a brother or sister who constantly outshines you is not a very comfortable situation and the child becomes generally unhappy and distressed by this . This feeling carries through to almost all the activities including their daily routine. The child may dread the next end of the year exams, or the next music grade results or even parties and social gatherings when friends and relatives pay more attention to her/his smarter sibling.
I know of a case where an average child was unable to get through in the final exams simply because he had lost the urge or the will to perform because of the constant comparison with his older brother and things got so out of hand that later he needed psychiatric treatment to bring him back to normalcy. To a large extent parents are to blame for this state of affairs, had they been careful and noted the changes and the pressure that was mounting on their child they could have easily averted the oncoming tragedy that was bound to affect the child for life.
Making the best of a no-win situation
Here, we also must note that the performing child too probably gets disturbed and troubled by what is happening between him/her and siblings. It is but natural for the child to think that everybody in the family is happy with the achievements and she or he should not feel diffident mentioning school grades for fear of upsetting her/his sibling. The child would prefer her or his brother or sister to do well too, so that they can both share in the pleasure of each other’s success.
However, much as parents would wish to have the power to change things so that all your children are equally matched in their abilities, that is simply beyond you. However, you can do a great deal to minimise the potential psychological damage that is bound to take place.
The following points need to be considered by the parents while dealing with their children
Totally ban comparisons
The horrible thing about comparisons is that there is always a loser – the child with the lower achievements will be extremely unhappy at being shown up in a poor light when compared to his or her sibling. This is also a very immature and cruel tactic that is adopted by many parents. One can see that they are taking out their own feelings of frustrations and helplessness on the child. In fact sibling rivalry that can erupt in adult life has its roots in childhood when the child feels that he or she is being unfairly compared with the other sibling(s)
Comparison can backfire – One may be tempted to use comparison hoping that this would bring in positive results, for instance for improving grades at school .You may say " If you work as hard as your sister, your grades too would be as good as hers ". But this only intensifies the resentment because the child perceives that he or she is not working hard and even the little work that he or she is doing may stop after this comparison.
So, don't say it, even if you think that is what is holding your child back, during your moments of frustrations. Don't ever vent it out on your child, they remember such things for life. Instead, simply encourage the child to do her or his best and encourage and help them achieve this without giving a target of achieving what the other child has achieved.
The child’s future achievements should be judged against the baseline of her or his previous performance and definitely not against the achievements of a sibling who outshines her or him.
Be Consistent – Make sure that relatives, friends and teachers don’t make such comparisons. If needed have a talk with them as and when it is necessary. Pay close attention when the younger child starts schooling , so that she/he is not expected to follow in the footsteps of the higher achieving sibling.
Speaking to the teacher helps since most of them are trained to handle such situations. You may of course have to repeat this request and discussion with each successive teacher. But this is well worth it since it will be helpful for a secure future of your child.
Encourage the child to cultivate different interests and hobbies
One way of reducing the emotional fallout is to encourage the child to take up activities in different interests. We should remember that each of our child is unique in its own way and there is no reason why they should both want to participate in the same sport or they should both want to join the same extracurricular class. Taking part in different interests and hobbies reduce the likelihood of comparisons.
Take for example if the smarter child is good at playing piano and has a natural musical talent, it is only logical that you encourage the other child to learn the same since you have spent a lot of money on a piano or a guitar and it is sitting right there in your house. You also have a music teacher teaching the other child. This is the normal way of thinking and parents think only about their own convenience and the practical aspect of it without going deep into it. The ideal thing to do would be to ask your child what he or she would like to learn and if he/she has a totally different preference, you need to encourage the child to do that.
By doing that the child is starting with a clean sheet where he or she need not worry about the progress and performance being compared to its sibling. This applies to any other activity. The more you let the child make his or her own decisions the more self confident the child becomes. You are also showing your confidence in the child’s choice which goes a long way in boosting his or her self confidence.
Value each child
This is very important since for your child you are the world and your opinion counts ! We sometimes tend to think that the child may not really care because he or she gets busy with school, friends and other activities and we speak as we like. But the child remembers and reacts to everything that we say especially if he or she is constantly being compared and spoken about with others.
I have known the case of a school going child eavesdropping on his mother when she spoke to friends and visitors simply because he felt that she would say uncomplimentary things about him. When the mother caught him once , he blurted out his fears and anxiety about what she might tell her friends and it was the mother’s turn to hang her head in shame because that’s precisely what she had been doing.
It is easy to forget that the child who outshines the other requires your encouragement and advice too – just because he or she attains more than the other child, does not mean that life always goes smoothly for her or him. Each child has its own drawbacks and fears and needs to be valued. The best way of doing this, is by taking an interest in all their activities and also communicate and talk to them on different levels from time to time.
Sometimes it helps to talk to each child individually so that they open up without any fear of being judged . At other times it is also helpful when you have discussions and have an informal chit chat with all your children since this brings the family together and more importantly the siblings together. It also makes them more aware of each others' views on different issues thereby making them more understanding and sensitive to the other person's need.
Praise effort as well as achievement
Most of us conveniently forget the effort and focus only on the achievement of a child. A child standing first or second, third or even tenth has to put in an equal amount of effort to achieve that position. No doubt that you will be as disappointed as your child when you hear that your child did not pull up school grades the way you hoped unlike her sibling . It is okay to show your disappointment because it shows your empathy for your child but don’t go overboard with it and end up making the child feel small and dejected.
I know of parents taking out all their frustrations on their children when they don’t perform well. You have to also acknowledge the effort your child has put in and make it point of telling how pleased you are with it. Try to analyse the short comings that led to a poor performance practically so that the child also knows where he or she went wrong and realises that there is scope for improvement from his/her side. As long as the child has tried hard to achieve you cannot ask any more and make demands that may be impossible for the child to fulfill.
Conclusions
I have discussed various strategies in this article but none of these strategies to take away the pressures of living in the shadow of a more capable sibling. At best they can reduce the potential negative effects, restore your child’s self esteem and make them proud of their own achievements. This is far more important than make your child a super achiever.
Try to understand the needs and aspirations of your child and show that you care, which is more than enough to make the child feel secure and wanted. This in itself makes them achieve better in life.
( images - personal)
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